If you are courting a Chinese woman, and she likes you in any meaningful sense of the word, then you will be meeting her family very soon. Likely sooner than you expected. Naturally, meeting your beloved's family for the first time can be a cause of extreme anxiety. Though the situation is a bit different, the advice below You might wonder – Will the parents hate foreigners? What if I do something they construe as insanely rude? Are they going to interrogate me? It's natural anywhere in the world to get a little worked up over meeting your paramour’s parents for the first time, but besides the cultural differences, the concerns of parents in China are the same as the concerns of parents anywhere, which are largely twofold – Is he using our daughter, and is he a bum? Outright hated of foreigners isn't too commonplace, and many families today welcome a foreigner (a light-skinned one at least) as warmly, or more so, than they welcome Chinese. Younger family members in particular are generally curious about you and even excited just to meet you. To help you avoid some of the worst results of your get-together, here are a few tips to keep in mind before you knock on the door:

Getting ready

Even if you have a paucity of Chinese language skills, try to pick up some phrases and some body language. These are going to be very significant people in your life. You can address them as “ayi” or “bo mu” for mom, “shu shu” or “bo fu” for dad. Other adult relatives such as aunts or uncles you can call “ayi” for women and “shu shu” for men. Her brothers, sisters and younger cousins you can address by their first names.

Using the right title for grandmothers and grandfathers gets a bit complicated, because it changes depending on whether they are the parents of the mother or of the father (“ye ye” – father's father, “wai gong” – mother's father, “nai nai” – father's mother, “wai po” – mother's mother). It's best not to worry too much if you can't remember all of them, as long as you are trying, a few mistakes won't ruin the day. 

Furthermore, be prepared before you arrive to answer any number of questions, some of which may seem personal. It's not uncommon for them to ask about your salary, property or your family members. If the questions are really too private for you, then you can find a polite way not to answer.

As far as the first meeting goes, a simple handshake will do. No hugs. Bowing's been out of the culture for some time now.

Gifts

Gift giving is very common, and don't be surprised if her family bring some for you. You can always ask your partner what her parents like, but if you are at a loss for idea, fruit and tea are still some of the most popular. The price of the gift doesn't matter too much, as the meaning of it is far more important. It's also good to avoid bringing the family gifts which traditionally have a negative meaning, such as clocks, which signify death.

If you meet with her relatives for the first time at a restaurant, it will always impress if you pay for the bill. It shows you have the ability to take care of their daughter. Be quick with your wallet though, as they will usually feel driven to pay it themselves.

Manners

They will likely be put off by sullenness. Try to smile and be sure to address family members by their title. Calling members of the older generation by their first names will sound rude.

Appearance

True story. I have a friend who recently got married with a Chinese lady. After the marriage, her mother said to him – now that you're a married man, don't you think you should cut your long hair? He pointed out that it used to be respectable during the Qing Dynasty for men to wear a long braided pony tail, and that he was only keeping to traditional Chinese culture. It was a joke of course, but I doubt she saw the humor in it. For any conservative parents, there will be one strike against you if your appearance or clothing is strange.

Dinner

If you're having a meal at home, don't leave the table before her parents do. Often people like to continue chatting around the table, and it will imply disinterest if you get up and go somewhere else.

 

 

Their worries

Simply put, if you're a Westerner and you are seeing their daughter, many Chinese parents will assume you are only after the sex, that you might have someone else and that you are not serious about marriage. That makes you a danger, and some parents are feel strongly enough about this that they wouldn't want you seeing her in the first place. To ease their fears, the best thing to do is to actually be serious with her. Unless they are flatly anti-foreigner (which you can still find from time to time), letting them know your plans for marriage will help immensely.

The parents are also going to be worried about whether you can take care of their daughter, and in some cases, whether you can take care of them. It's not a bad idea to talk about your job or study habits or ambitions. Unless your ambitions are to join the circus and be a clown, it will put them at ease.

Finally, the language barrier between you will make them nervous. Learn some Chinese. Even with people who speak a bit of English, there can be a problem expressing complex ideas and difficulty feeling comfortable. A whole world opens up if they feel at home in their own language. You might feel more at home too.

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